A love lost

Last week I got a huge shock. My ex-boyfriend, Peter, died suddenly and unexpectedly at the age of 39.

Because of the circumstances surrounding our break-up, I hadn't seen or spoken with Peter in over five years. But it didn't matter. His death hit me as hard as if I had just seen him yesterday. It make me consider the frailty and uncertainty of life, and confront my own mortality...none of which I was particularly happy about having to do. It also reminded me, however, that what we have now, in the present, is so very important and we really should make sure that we surround ourselves with good people, good energy and general happiness. It's cause to rethink working at a job you hate just for a paycheck, staying in a bad relationship just because it's easier than starting over - or staying out of one because of fear of getting hurt, staying late at the office instead of spending time with your friends and family, and letting stupid things push important people out of your life.

I used to kiss Peter goodbye every morning before I left for work. It annoyed him because he worked as a bartender and was up late most nights. He didn't appreciate my motives - leaving both of us with a positive memory in case the unexpected happened - until after we broke up. Whenever I felt like he was taking me for granted, I would warn him, "You're going to miss me when I'm gone," to which he would invariably reply, "Are you going somewhere?" The irony of all of this does not escape me. But I always understood it. Even though we hadn't seen each other in years, I thought about him almost every day. For little reasons, mostly - like every time I would go to a Thai restaurant, I would remember that he was the one who introduced me to the cuisine; he introduced me to a lot of music I otherwise would never have listened to; the bar where he worked is only a few blocks away from my apartment - I walk past it on a regular basis; signs and smells around the city remind me of private jokes and moments shared - and the memories were always positive. I never stopped loving Peter even after I stopped being "in love" with him. I have regrets now that I let his new girlfriend keep us apart...she even wanted to keep me away from his wake, but I refused to let that happen. Enough time had passed without us being in each other's lives...I wasn't going to miss my last chance to say goodbye.

My darling Peter, you were a brilliant, talented, warm, loving person, and I'm sorry I lost you during life and again, permanently, in death. Save a place in heaven (or wherever!) for me.